I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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