I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
