plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
