I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
