This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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