note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
it's like heaven, but drunker
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize