Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish i was in the wii world.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
