I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
