It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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