Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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