KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
