The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
