I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
