I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
