Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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