2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
