You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
