I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
