So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
