you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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