Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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