I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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