so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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