I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
