pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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