shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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