The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize