I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
