So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
