Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
