Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
