how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When did we convert life to cartoon?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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