I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
