forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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