Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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