There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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