i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
