I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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