I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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