I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
