The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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