I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sober January is a disaster.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
