Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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