Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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