I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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