I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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