after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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