I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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