gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
