final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
