hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
