cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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