Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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