so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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