btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize