He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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