I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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