bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
