I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
