i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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