he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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