They should really pass out barf bags in church
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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