apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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