They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
