Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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