Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
