I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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