If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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