My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
