As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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