Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My feet surprised me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
