she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
