Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
