My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
