Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
